2016 began with me sitting alone eating a microwave curry with only the next door neighbours attempting to sing 'Auld Lang Syne' breaking the silence as I contemplated my apparent new life as a single man. We have been together seven years and although I had been single for a bit before that it isn't something I am comfortable with but Mandi was adamant that we were finished. I waited until around half past one to take Jack for a walk not realising that there would still be fireworks going off, although he was a bit jumpy and barked a lot at first he soon calmed down. Yesterday's spectacularly shit end to 2015 had exhausted the both of us, as we had attempted to talk through our problems and I slept until five o'clock this afternoon with nothing to get up for. I didn't even have Mary Poppins to help start the year due to an almighty fuck up from the BBC.
Even though I didn't have a great deal of the day to get through today was a strain as I tried my best to avoid Mandi. This wasn't difficult as I stayed in my office and only walked through the front room to go out for a cigarette at various intervals. Eventually Mandi asked that we sit down and talk about things and I agreed to seek professional help. I am not the same person she met seven years ago and I don't want to keep being a negative force in our lives as all I am doing is driving a bigger and bigger wedge between us. We used to laugh all the time and have fun but these days not so much. It is telling that my career has built up during the time we have been together which may or may not be a factor and one of the things she keeps telling me is that I take on too much. I kept saying that I don't need professional help as my problems arise when things go wrong (the recent issues with our home Internet putting the mockers on my intended release dates of my four part podcast being the latest). It is true that I am happiest when working on a good idea but as soon as I am let down or something goes wrong then I blame it on being cursed and go into a depressive episode. I'm not sure if being a workaholic is something I can prevent or curtail but I suppose if it is turning me into someone that my partner of seven years doesn't recognise then I have to try. As soon as I agreed at last that I do need to see someone about counselling I felt better. Perhaps 2016 is my last chance before I turn 40 to fix myself and in doing so fix the things that matter.
Please read my January newsletter here.
The Sunday Alternative Podcast #69 is available from here.
This week's episode of The Random Saturday Sessions with the brilliant Lisa De'Ville is available to watch here.
