Picture from Thinking Chap

An evening nap once again got out of hand last night which meant that I was too late to go to a gig I had wanted to attend. As a change of plan we once again watched repeats of Stars in Their Eyes on Challenge TV and wondering what happened to the contestants once the costumes were removed and they reverted back from Elton John to a bricklayer from Ingoldmells. Perhaps there was a living to be made on the tribute circuit, maybe not enough to give up the day job but a reasonable pocket money sideline doing the rounds of seaside shows and cabaret venues. To add a little excitement to watching this show, not that it isn't exciting enough waiting for the winner to be announced, we have started having penny bets on what song will be performed once the name of the artists have been revealed. We have a pile of pennies each and a bowl in the middle of the coffee table, as soon as the contestant says, for example, Stevie Wonder, we chip in with one of his songs and put a penny in the bowl. So if I correctly said 'Superstition' then I win. If we want to we can take the pennies out and put them on our pile, or if we are feeling brave we can leave them in the bowl and roll the prize money into the next round. You think you had an exciting Saturday night?

This is the second week in a row without a podcast going out, I am still waiting for a microphone to be delivered so hopefully this will enable me to pick up where I left off. Ideally I would like to find a studio to do this in but for now I am happy to do it at home providing I can get everything working. I don't want to leave too long a gap and lose momentum now that The Sunday Alternative is doing well with the listening figures. 

In addition to the bags (see little advert below the blog), I now have a t-shirt on sale. As always the money will go into the fund to make podcasts, short films, documentaries, comedy sketches and other such entertainment that I will make available for free.

Logo t-shirt £12.50 (you can iron them, something you would think I'd have done before taking a picture)

Logo t-shirt with 'Please shut up' message on back £15

No podcast this week.

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May housekeeping 

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In this age we live in of Andy Warhol’s predicted fifteen minutes of fame being gifted to anyone with the lack of inhibition to make a tit of themselves on vacuous ‘talent’ shows, it’s often worth remembering that this isn’t an entirely new thing. There are the likes of Opportunity Knocks and New Faces, in which there was a few notable winners among the spoon players and dog acts that just wanted to be on television, but they were the only two. Nowadays we have X-Factor, The Voice*, and various different copycat versions. Aside from that, it is now possible to become famous just by appearing on a fly-on-the-wall type programme. If you don’t believe me, Joey Essex appeared in Celebrity Big Brother.

*It’s easy to distinguish between The Voice and X-Factor; in one show the judges turn their backs on the singers before they start singing, in the other show the judges wait until six months after the final.

However, there was one light entertainment giant that won hands down when it came to pandering to the delusional, Stars In Their Eyes. Good old Challenge TV has added this show to their schedule and we watched a couple of episodes last night. For those that don’t know, the format was simple; an ordinary member of the public dresses up and sings a song by their favourite pop star and is judged on how well they sound like the original. At best this is a game show for children, but throughout the 1990s this was one of ITV’s biggest hitters on the Saturday night light entertainment front.

I know that there are people who make a living by spending their evenings by pretending to be someone else, but it isn’t exactly an overcrowded business I imagine. In my opinion, tribute bands are the lowest form of entertainment, so maybe I’m slightly biased. The judges on X-Factor do at least have the honesty to turn people away who haven’t quite got what it takes, although a lot of shit still manages to get through, but they can’t be accused of offering false hope in the same gung-ho fashion that Matthew Kelly dished it out.

“You won’t be a toilet cleaner after tonight because you’re going to be as big as the person you’re going to be”, was the sort of lie that Matthew Kelly used to feed to these well meaning but usually rather simple contestants. The weird thing is that I didn’t watch these two episodes and see anyone who went on to become a big star, although they might be huge in tribute circles, I just wouldn’t know. The best people on the show are the ones who genuinely seem to see Stars In Their Eyes as a springboard to fame and fortune. Last night we saw a young man who apart from a desire to go on television pretending to be Curtis Stigers was a singer/songwriter/musician with his own band. He stated that his ambition was to make it big with his band, and Kelly told him he would. Who is Matthew Kelly to go around incorrectly predicting the future for these poor fuckers?

This gave me a brilliant idea for a sequel show in which all past contestants (participation is compulsory) return to the show and tell us exactly what has happened in their show business careers since they first appeared on Stars In Their Eyes. I would wager that the toilet cleaner didn’t make it to Wembley Stadium, unless they needed a cleaner.

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Say What You See

As a finger on the pulse kind of guy I have to inform you of a brand new game show that has just come out on television. It is on at two o’clock in the morning on Challenge, a channel devoted to game shows. Why it’s on at such a silly time is beyond me, because if one of the main channels broadcast it (maybe say ITV1) on a Saturday night it would be huge.

The contestants have to guess phrases from a high tec, up to the minute computer simulation for big money prizes. For some reason I can’t work out, maybe I missed the first episode, they have to do the guessing while wearing fancy dress outfits from the 1980s.

The name of the show is Catchphrase. And let me tell you it is brilliant. 

The host, an up and coming young comedian called Roy Walker, (you heard his name here first readers, he will be the next big thing) has the patience of a saint. He needs it too, because some of the contestants are not the sharpest knives in the drawer.

Roy Walker, as I’ve already mentioned, has the patience I could never have. If they get an obvious answer wrong, he just says “It’s good but it’s not right”. I’m sorry, but if it isn’t right that makes it wrong. What’s so good about that?

Maybe I’ll write in and suggest a new line for him. Something along the lines of “Oh for fucks sake, a picture of an elephant next to a castle. It’s obviously ‘ELEPHANT AND CASTLE’. 

The prize is a trip to up to eight destinations. Today the woman won a trip to Singapore, Australia and ‘six more hot destinations’. I want to apply to go on this hot new show, but unfortunately they didn’t display an address to write to at the end of the show. But I will be a contestant on Catchphrase one day. And I’ll get to meet the next big thing in comedy before he becomes too big.

Such is his professionalism, he didn’t laugh when the woman accidentally said “crap” while trying to say “fair crack of the whip”. I pissed myself at that. Not literally!

The voiceover is provided by Ted ‘Den Perry’ Robbins, the host of The Slammer. He astounded me by getting through the entire show without mentioning the fact that he is Paul McCartney’s cousin!

Here is a clip of the show’s computerised mascot, Mr Chips. In this hilarious excerpt he looks like he’s enjoying himself a little too much.

Catchphrase is on at two o’clock every morning on Challenge. Watch it. Please.

I’m going to buy some 1980s clothes so they’ll let me on.