The Winter Wonderland attraction in the Market Square (Nottingham-centric blog, be warned) is underway and I can already see that there has been a huge error. Before they have even opened somebody has dropped a clanger because the Christmas tree is standing up straight. Last Christmas it was leaning slightly and there was a sense of jeopardy in the air as people walked past wondering if it was going to fall over. The leaning tree could have been seen as an art piece if the council had thought it through, with the tree representing Nottingham Council's attitude towards Nottingham and leaning more and more until it won't actually fall down but everybody loves it and wants it to stay there. As part of a festive floor show, the council could stage a little play in which the tree is protected from being removed from the Market Square until eventually a group of actors playing the council hand over a large brown envelope to another group of actors who 'accidentally' drive a lorry into it or set fire to it causing it to have to come down despite the protection and before your very eyes an eyesore block of student flats is standing in the middle of the ice rink. I should be on the entertainments committee shouldn't I? 

Anyway, this year's Winter Wonderland is sponsored by Nottingham's tram company and I for one am looking forward to it opening in March.

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 This week's edition of The Sunday Alternative is here. 

Thank you in advance for donating using the PayPal button at the top of this page. It all goes towards creating podcasts, sketches, documentaries, films and more, all of which I will make available for free in return for your generosity.

Picture from Facebook

After a week away from live music I was really looking forward to a whole day of it today. Filthy Fest 15 was my destination after cooking myself breakfast. Downstairs was the acoustic stage managed by Alexa Hawksworth and later in the day bands played upstairs. The whole thing was operated smoothly so there was no overlap and the whole thing (from what I as a punter could make out at least) ran to time. There was only one issue with one of the daytime artists ringing in sick leaving a gap that couldn't be filled, but that didn't put a dampener on things.

What did spoil things for me slightly was the thing I have written about and tweeted about many times before, talking. It wasn't much of a problem straight away as it wasn't very busy to begin withI seem to have developed a way of zoning out and focusing on the music to the point where the fire alarm could go off or someone could get shot and I wouldn't notice. Again a lot of this stems from the fact that this was being held in a public house and a section of people in there weren't bothered by the fact that a gig was taking place and acted as they would during any Sunday afternoon drinking session. On the other hand I have seen this happen with gigs you have to pay to watch so I really don't know what the ultimate solution is.

Believe it or not I am not the only person with this disdain for people who ruin live music in this selfish fashion, so maybe this could be sorted if enough people complain and make a fuss. I personally would be in favour of dragging them out and sticking a knitting needle through their windpipe but then I would be seen as the bad guy, it's political correctness gone mad. A quick fix to the problem was staring me in the face this afternoon, Filthy's rather unnecessarily had a bouncer on the door. He could have made himself useful by wandering through to keep an eye on things, just a tap on the shoulder and a fingers to lips gesture would have sufficed to start with. 

As this is getting to be a bigger and bigger problem perhaps the time has come for positive action, if I and others have to go outside to smoke thanks to a ridiculous law then I don't see why people with something obviously important to say can't leave the building too.

My idea might be deemed as a touch extreme but here goes. The music venues write a joint letter to the council asking for the re-introduction of the stocks. In the evening they are placed in rows in (to use Nottingham as my example) in the Market Square and surrounding areas such as Trinity Square and Lace Market Square, the big space in Hockley outside Hartley's and the goth shop and Sneinton Market. We then give those pretend police officers in fancy dress some power at last, and employ them to patrol live music venues removing persistent offenders (I am aware that there is a difference between exchanging greetings/expressing approval and rudely yabbering away oblivious to how much of a pain in the arse you are being) and placing them in the stocks for the night to think about their actions while passers by throw rotting fruit at them. They would be freed at sunrise and after helping to clear up the mess would be allowed home. As bad as my idea seems, it would ensure that those people would never talk at a gig again.

To return to Filthy Fest, the talking pissed me off enough to make me go home early but not before I had seen some fantastic performances from Alexa Hawksworth, Nanuk, Brett Sinclair, 94 Gunships, Anwyn Williams, Breakfast Club, and Beth Frisby. 

No podcast this week.

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May housekeeping 

Please consider making either a one-off or regular donation using the PayPal button above this blog. Every penny will be used to fund creative projects that will be made available for free.

The Sunday Alternative is a free weekly podcast. I am aiming to start making this podcast in a studio with live bands in session. This will cost at least £50 per episode so please give whatever you can.

52 podcasts and 365 blogs a year must be worth something to you?

The Sunday Alternative bag is on sale now. All you need to do is click on the PayPal button and donate £6 (or more if you're feeling generous), then email me at the address below with 'BAG' in the subject line and your name and address in the email.

(All money from the bags goes into the fund to create free online entertainment)

steveEoliver@gmail.com

@SteveOliver76 

My tolerance for alcohol is slowly building back up although I'm not sure this is a good thing in the long run. At gigs I tend to pace myself and only get through two or three pints before moving onto Coke, and the last time I was genuinely drunk was Hockley Hustle. Traditionally (by which I mean last week and last night), I have two bottles of Bombardier with my dinner on a Friday evening if I'm not going out, and last night I had them on top of three pints of Guinness I had drank with Crown Court colleagues after work. I did the sensible/boring thing and left them to it, according to Facebook the festivities carried on well into the night. Replete with pizza and beer I did what I do with alarming frequency these days and fell asleep on the sofa watching television, waking up in the early hours and crawling to bed. 

This morning I felt a bit groggy but not in any serious trouble so I took Jack for a walk to clear my head before breakfast. I had intended to do some work in my office in the morning but aside from a bit of admin and a scribbled idea for a comedy sketch I couldn't get motivated. Mandi had volunteered to go into work for a few hours and I had arranged to meet her afterwards so I wrote today off pretty much, work wise at least.

Arriving in town I was pleased to see a familiar face in the Market Square, Ayup the Duck has returned at long last to take his place in the water feature. His visits no longer attract the excitement of his early days but it was nice to see a few people taking photographs. If only he would come at a specific time and stay for a while then I would be able to exploit it and make the money I thought I would when I registered the marketing rights all that time ago. If he is only going to turn up occasionally then I am unable to plan this properly. I haven't even updated his Twitter account for ages, mainly because you don't seem to be able to log out of one account and into another on a phone, which for someone with more than one Twitter to maintain is a nuisance. 

When Ayup the Duck first appeared in Nottingham in 2009 the excitement was unbelievable as the city took him to our hearts. Celebrity status was heaped on him and the opportunities were endless. When I registered the marketing rights I was genuinely excited about how far I could take things; I had plans for a whole range of merchandise and events in his honour, this time next year we'll be millionaires, but that has all gone down the plug hole. There have been times I have considered selling the rights to someone who can invest the time and money, but at the back of my mind I know I would regret it when someone else headed up a multi-million pound tourist cash cow and built themselves a solid gold duck shaped mansion. 

I fear that the bubble has burst as far as Ayup the Duck's celebrity status is concerned. At one point a few years ago he could have become an emblem of Nottingham, taking over from Robin Hood as the figurehead of this city. The council need to accept some of the blame for over chlorinating the water and allowing people to bathe in that part of the water feature and scaring Ayup off. If it hadn't been for this kind of obstacle then my life might have turned out differently. On the other hand, maybe being a millionaire would have ruined me, it would have been nice to have been given the chance to find out.

This week's edition of The Sunday Alternative can be heard here.

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May housekeeping 

Please consider making either a one-off or regular donation using the PayPal button above this blog. Every penny will be used to fund creative projects that will be made available for free.

The Sunday Alternative is a free weekly podcast. I am aiming to start making this podcast in a studio with live bands in session. This will cost at least £50 per episode so please give whatever you can.

52 podcasts and 365 blogs a year must be worth something to you?

The Sunday Alternative bag is on sale now. All you need to do is click on the PayPal button and donate £6 (or more if you're feeling generous), then email me at the address below with 'BAG' in the subject line and your name and address in the email.

(All money from the bags goes into the fund to create free online entertainment)

steveEoliver@gmail.com

@SteveOliver76 

So much for Friday 13th being my lucky day, I thought after the last one that my curse guardian had agreed to keep out of my way and give me a reversal of fortune while everyone else suffered. With this in mind I decided to record the podcast knowing that nothing could possibly go wrong. This would leave me free to watch all the Comic Relief stuff and moan about how it isn't as good as it used to be in the glory days before second rate television presenters took control instead of comedians. What actually happened is the podcast didn't work properly and took ages until I woke up on my office floor at about one o'clock this morning having had one of my stress induced blackouts, something I am sure I should be more worried about than I am. If one good thing came from this episode it was that I missed a load of millionaires telling us how our hard earned money would be put to good use. It's Lenny Henry I feel sorry for, he goes to famine stricken parts of the world and sees such terrible living conditions and then gets jealous because they will at least never know the horror of staying in a Premier Inn.

At the risk of being controversial (far be it from me...), I am not a millionaire and could really do with some donations myself. I will spend it on making podcasts, short films, documentaries, comedy sketches and other such entertainments that in return will be available for free on the Internet. 

Having woken up on my office floor and made my way to bed, I woke up at noon today with my head full of candy floss and it took me a while to get going. Thankfully there was a can of a cheap version of Red Bull (I drink far too many energy drinks to pay Red Bull prices, the 35p ones are just as good) in the fridge which I had as an early breakfast with a cigarette or two in order to try and get my brain into gear. Once dressed in whatever was on the floor next to my side of the bed I took Jack to the park for an hour to let him run around and fetch his ball and the cold fresh air helped to blow away most of the fog. On my return I made myself some breakfast (three boiled eggs with soldiers - I wouldn't have had time to visit a cafe so the new breakfast podcast will have to wait, unless Leftlion start doing one) and had a shower and by about two o'clock I was starting to feel a little bit human.

Mandi didn't want to go to town this afternoon so I made a quick round trip to do a bit of bank related errand running and got back out of town as soon as possible because the streets were full of people who didn't seem to understand the basic points of walking such as looking where you are going. Clumber Street in Nottingham City Centre is said to be one of this country's busiest thoroughfares and I think it is time for the council to do something about it, luckily I have an idea. My suggestion is to paint several lines along the street dividing it up into four lanes. You would walk on the left hand side (the same as driving on the road) with the lane nearest the shops (immediate left) would be the slow 'dawdling' lane and the middle lanes reserved as fast lanes for people who want to get somewhere. If you wanted to enter a shop you would have to filter into the slow lane, no sudden left or right turns into shops. Failure to adhere to this system would result in a day in the stocks in the Market Square. To make this work I would also bring back the stocks.

Nottingham couldn't be arsed to vote in favour of a mayor, if they had then I would have run as a candidate. Your loss Nottingham, your loss.

Listen to this week's edition of The Sunday Alternative here.

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March housekeeping 

To purchase my audio books, albums, and books, please visit my Shop & Donations page.

I am trying to raise the money to extend The Sunday Alternative, read about it here.

We also need to fund a pilot episode of a new music and cookery show, read about it here.

Every penny that I receive via the PayPal button will be used to fund future projects such as podcasts, short films, comedy sketches, documentaries, and more. They will be made available for free online and I will not personally benefit financially. All help is greatly appreciated.

steveEoliver@gmail.com

@SteveOliver76 

picture from Vikkie's Blur Page

Although I do not wish to elevate myself above my station by including my own name among some of the greats, the connection between creativity and depression is one that can’t be ignored. This weekend has been truly awful yet yesterday something came to me while I was not expecting it. We had gone to town in order to get out of the house for a bit; I needed to do some bank stuff and Mandi wanted to pay some bills before we went and bought some music. On the way to the bank I started riffing (out loud) the bare bones of a song. The words came to me as if by magic and in the time it took to walk from the tram stop in the Old Market Square to the bank (less than ten minutes) I had the first draft of a song. After I had done what I needed to do at the bank I sat down on one of the sofas and took out my notebook to write down roughly what had come out of my mouth and was delighted to find that although it will need draft rewriting, I had written a song in ten minutes. The beauty of this song is that I don’t even have to worry about writing music because the song was based around an already existing one so the music is already written. My song takes the tune of ‘Parklife’ by Blur and is a comedy number, so under recent changes to the law regarding parody I can use the music without asking. Of course I will have to share the money it makes, but it won’t make any money because I will give the song away for free online, but at least I will be able to bore people with a partially true story about me writing a song with Damon from Blur.

As soon as I was home I was writing out the lyrics to the song based on what I had scrawled in my notebook. In my usual method of jumping the gun and getting all excited about a project I posted an announcement for a band that could play ‘Parklife’ so that we could record the song. Within a few minutes I had a band to collaborate with; although I haven’t told them what the song is about, I have told them that it is a comedy song.

The problem now is that I can’t regulate my mood during moments like this. As I wrote ideas for the song, then received from a band willing to work on the idea, my endorphins were racing around my body at an alarming speed. In my head (and I emphasise that this was only in my head) I was a genius for carrying out this task. I had written a song in an hour, on a Saturday afternoon shopping trip. What’s the best song in the world in your opinion? I bet it took longer than an hour to write.

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Details on my audio books and other work for sale and how your donations can help me to create free entertainment can be found on my Shop & Donations page.

This week’s edition of The Sunday Alternative is here.

Back to life, back to reality, so the song goes, this sums up the feeling that everyone must have been feeling this morning. The few remaining Christmas trees looked out onto the passersby with an air of sympathy at the fact that today was back to work day. As the tram rolled into the Market Square at about ten past nine there was already a team of workers dismantling the Winter Wonderland, yet the Christmas tree still had its lights on; the Christmas trees clearly were taking the piss out of everyone because they were going back to work.

Last night we took part in a now traditional viewing of one final Christmas film with a supper of Christmas food that needed finishing. We watched Patrick Stewart’s version of A Christmas Carol, a made for television film which although true to the story does suffer slightly towards the end thanks to some very hammy acting on Mr. Stewart’s part. As I still technically have tomorrow left of Christmas, I will watch Ebenezer on my own as Mandi doesn’t like westerns. Neither do I to be honest, but I have to watch all versions of the story, it’s the law.

I don’t think you can fully embrace the New Year until the end of Christmas as there is still the whiff of festivity everywhere you go. You can go running or join a gym on New Year’s Day to show the world that you’re making the effort, but you still go home to cheese and biscuits, mince pies, alcohol, and other assorted party snacks so why bother even pretending that your good intentions are anything other than showing off to others? As far as I am concerned, 2015 started this morning as I took the dog for a walk before boarding the tram with everyone else. Having said that, I have made good on my resolution so far.

My new year’s resolution was to do something creative and career orientated every single day in order to get several long-standing work projects out of the way and so far I have managed it without resorting to using the blog as a fall back. The blog doesn’t count as work because it is something I largely do for myself (and the people who read it) although it does bring in a small numeration thanks to the PayPal button. To keep myself in check I tick every day in my diary once I have completed a task and that will stop me from becoming complacent. At the moment I am writing my share of a radio comedy pilot that I hope to record soon, the trouble being that it is being ‘ghost written’ by myself and a collaborator so I can’t say too much about it. Once it is finished it will be uploaded anonymously for people to stumble upon and our names won’t appear anywhere near it. Also so far I have released The T-Shirt Wearer’s Guide To The Ramones, changed the shop page on this site (it counts), recorded the first podcast of the year, and archived some more of my audio output onto CD. This is hopefully going to be a pretty big year for me career wise, especially as I turn 39 this summer which only gives me another year until my 40^th which is when I plan to sit myself down and decide what direction I wish to take.

The good/bad/indifferent news is I’ll be writing about it every fucking day.

===

Details on my audio books and other work for sale and how your donations can help me to create free entertainment can be found on my Shop & Donations page.

This week’s edition of The Sunday Alternative is here.

I woke up this morning in a largely un-Christmassy house as Mandi had got up before me to tackle the task of taking the decorations down. The whole of the downstairs had been done so I don’t know what time she woke up, the decorations in the bedroom were still up but it was nice to see all our regular pictures and ornaments back where they belong, and of course it is always nice to have my office doubling up as a dumping ground for Christmas decorations. Although we are two days early taking them down, it made sense to do it today to give us a clean start to normality tomorrow when we, along with the rest of the world, return to work. There is something quite dispiriting about coming home from work to a twinkling festive land on the other side of the holiday, which got me thinking about our attitude to Christmas on either side of December 25^th.

Take for example the Christmas jumper; once the preserve of Noel Edmunds and the office dickhead who describes himself as ‘wacky’, and now the ultimate symbol of kitsch that it is acceptable to wear out of the house in the run up to Christmas Day. Workplaces have Christmas jumper theme days and all walks of life can be seen wearing them, even the rolled up trousers and silly hat brigade. I wore a Christmas jumper when we went out for a meal on Boxing Day and a child told me that it wasn’t Christmas anymore. Boxing Day isn’t Christmas anymore? Surely Boxing Day is better than Christmas Day isn’t it? Christmas Day has stress and pressure whereas Boxing Day is just a day to laze around and take it easy but according to a passing group of ragamuffin kids it was no longer Christmas. To be fair, if you’re a child wandering the streets on Boxing Day I can’t imagine Christmas being that big a deal to you so they probably learned from their parents that Christmas is a one day event. You don’t see a Christmas jumper though on this side of the holiday and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t. Does nobody celebrate Christmas as a holiday rather than a day anymore? I know I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about Christmas this year, but I was always a big supporter of the ethos that Christmas lasts until January 6^th; it is just unfortunate that the 6^th falls wrong and so people have to go back to work during the holiday like this year for example when we all trundle back to the grindstone on Monday 5^th.

Nobody sees anything wrong with exchanging presents after the 25^th if you haven’t seen the person before the big day, but have you ever received a Christmas card later? If someone handed you a card on December 28^th you would think it was an afterthought but, yet a Christmas card is a greeting that wishes people well during Christmas so why can’t we send or receive them throughout the holiday?

It’s nice to see that a lot of shops (and banks etc) still have decorations up at this time of the year, but it is equally sad to see the haste in which supermarkets and department stores relegate Christmas items to the ‘reduced to clear’ shelf. Christmas music is another one, ubiquitous until Christmas Day and suddenly wiped from the memories of radio stations, music channels, and shopping centres on Boxing Day. Even the Winter Wonderland in the middle of town has done away with festive tunes in favour of bland pop, (although as it’s sponsored by Capital FM they are probably playing the same six songs on a loop, I’ve never stuck around long enough to find out). Television does a little bit better to keep Christmas alive; the idents stay Christmassy until New Year’s Day at least, and there are still a smattering of Christmas specials to enjoy (although there seems to be a new trend at Christmas to repeat everything later in the week) but people mention Christmas in the past tense from Boxing Day onwards and this is wrong isn’t it?

Rather than asking if someone had a nice Christmas, keep wishing him or her Merry Christmas until the 6^th of January. Maybe it’ll even help to get my festive spirit back.

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Details on my audio books and other work for sale and how your donations can help me to create free entertainment can be found on my Shop & Donations page.

This week’s edition of The Sunday Alternative is here.

picture from Metro

Today was one of those days that reinforced my love of the Christmas season and filled my heart with the joy of holly and ivy; I was like Ebenezer Scrooge waking up Christmas morning seeing the world in a new and enlightened way. All I had to do was visit the city centre and witness everyone going about their festive business and I was a changed man who danced down the road and serenaded the homebound tram passengers with a medley of tinsel tinged favourites sang from the heart and handed out mince pies.

Actually, none of that really happened. What really happened was that although I was only in town for a few hours my blood was boiling and I wanted to punch every living person in the throat. There wasn’t the slightest hint of Christmas spirit in evidence and this is why I have turned against the holiday and lost my love of all things Christmas. The entire seasonal marvel was confined to the Market Square ice rink and market; it was as if this was a festive bubble in which it might as well not even have been December on the outside.

I had a bit of work to this morning before I went to town but didn’t really get round to the main job which was recording this week’s podcast. Although I compiled the music I spent too much time on advertising various things and will now have to record and release The Sunday Alternative in the morning, which puts a strain on my Sunday but needs must. To psyche myself up for the Christmas shopping battle I spent an hour on the park with Jack, and I’m sure we could have both spent the entire day there without a care in the world. My advertising splurge on Twitter and Facebook was focused on everything I have for sale, with Christmas just around the corner people might be thinking of buying someone an MP3 player or a Kindle and what better way to enhance the gift than pre-loading it with something? To counter the self-indulgence of flogging my wares I also threw out a few plugs for music from a variety of my musician friends, this method of goodwill seemed to work as I saw a rise in audio book sales during the afternoon.

While the audio book sales have been respectable my Kindle account has slowed off a bit. As my last book came out in January 2013 it stands to reason that activity on my Amazon page has been quiet, so hopefully when Bowie Day comes out next month it should stir up a few views for my other books. Having my daily blog available on Kindle for 99p a month hasn’t really picked up but there are a few people opting out of reading it for free, it doesn’t make me a lot of money once Mr. Amazon has taken his slice however. A Christmas Tree by Charles Dickens will be sent out to a few people tomorrow, as I am ‘selling’ that particular audio book by email only to people who make a donation and then email me to tell me. Anything over one pound is good value for an audio book lasting just over forty minutes and thankfully a few people agree.

Talking of Dickens, tonight we watched another film adaptation of A Christmas Carol, this time it was Albert Finney in Scrooge.

===

My daily blog can be delivered straight to your Kindle for 99p a month (link)

Listen to The Sunday Alternative here

My Sherwood Radio archive is here, why not listen and donate?

All donations received via the PayPal button above will be used to fund creative projects such as podcasts, short films, documentaries, comedy sketches and a whole lot more. You are under no obligation of course, but thanks in advance if you do drop something in the pot.

picture from Nottingham Post 

This year is almost over so I can safely compile this list of things that haven’t happened in 2014; being asked to judge the Future Sound of Nottingham competition, having a tram named after me, the Lord Mayor mentioning me saving Goose Fair in the opening ceremony, being inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame, being asked to deliver this year’s John Peel Lecture, and most hurtful of all, being asked to switch on the Christmas lights anywhere in Nottingham. Not even Bulwell, a place I regularly used to put on the cultural map thanks to it being the home of Trent Sound.

I’m joking of course; I never expected any of those things to happen in reality, but to show I’m not bitter we went to watch the Christmas lights being turned on in the Market Square. This was Mandi’s idea of course, as I didn’t want to have anything to do with it thanks to my newly discovered indifference towards the festive season. Mandi doesn’t seem to have registered that I couldn’t give a flying shit about Christmas, especially not in November, and as she turns into the female version of Buddy the Elf from July onwards, I just join in for the quiet life. I will do a spot of Christmas shopping over the weekend and not deliberately try to ruin Christmas Day by being grumpy, but my idea to go away for Christmas falls on deaf ears every time I mention it. I even Googled hotels that totally ignore the festivities (not for religious reasons but for the want to not join in) but I just get accused of being miserable. My dream of starting the day with a full English breakfast followed by a long walk with Jack before a long bath and the afternoon spent watching sitcom box sets or listening to music will remain exactly that, a dream.

It isn’t very often that I get a lucky break, but having arranged to meet Mandi and my dad after work I was relieved to see as I left court that it was pissing it down. I knew that this would cause a conflict between Mandi’s love of Christmas and her hatred of rain so I was interested to see how this would play out. Luck was on my side once again as we all decided to not bother with the Christmas lights and go for a drink instead. That’s twice in one day which means I should in theory have been knocked over and killed by a tram on the way home. Maybe I was, perhaps I am now a ghost and will continue my career from beyond the grave. Not a ghost obviously because there’s no such thing but perhaps I died on the way home as punishment for two good things happening to my otherwise cursed life and some invisible force made me walk in front of a tram to prevent it from happening again. I’m glad it happened after I’d had a nice drink in The Stage (it was quiet-ish, whoever decided to do the light switch on straight after work on a Friday needs a kick) unless it happened beforehand and nobody noticed, in which case there must be such a thing as ghosts because I am one.  Death is known as a good career move so I am looking forward to my audio books selling in their millions over the Christmas period.

===

My daily blog can be delivered straight to your Kindle for 99p a month (link)

Listen to The Sunday Alternative here

My Sherwood Radio archive is here, why not listen and donate?

All donations received via the PayPal button above will be used to fund creative projects such as podcasts, short films, documentaries, comedy sketches and a whole lot more. You are under no obligation of course, but thanks in advance if you do drop something in the pot.

A Genius Loose In Nottingham

The BBC Nottingham website has a running webcam showing the Market Square, this webcam refreshes about every hour.

It stops refreshing at ten o'clock at night, and starts again at eight in the morning.

This system was fine, but I have a feeling an emergency meeting may have been called this morning.



I know it is a horrible word when used incorrectly, but creative vandalism like this is just genius. Did they plan this with intricate detail? Or was it a lucky fluke?