I didn't know that today was World Suicide Prevention Day until I saw mentions of it on social media, and although it is a subject close to my heart I do struggle to wonder what good a dedicated day does. Every day seems to be devoted to a cause or marketing ploy to the point where we have such things as National Egg Week so maybe the whole thing is getting saturated.
What is needed more than a Facebook post showing a Minion saying something profound (and I don't think the Minions actually said all of the things they are quoted as saying) is raising awareness of depression and related mental health issues. There are still people who confuse depression with being miserable or arsey when in fact it can hit you at any point for no reason, these are the same dicks who say that they have OCD when the truth is that they just like tidiness - nobody ever forgets something and laughs it off with a casual "I'm a little bit alzheimer's'. How are we educated about other conditions but refuse to take something else seriously? Nobody tells anyone to stop having cancer yet people with depression get told to get over it and cheer up, and every time I hear this I want to punch the person who said it.
Even if it was possible I don't think with all honesty that I would take away the part of me that causes depression because I am used to it and I seem to know when it is going to happen. The good thing about it, a kind of pay off, is the days when I am on top of the world and full of life on the opposite end of the scale. There are days when I do want to kill myself and I still believe (as I wrote in this article in 2013) that this is how I will die, which in turn makes me comfortable because I know that I won't die of an incurable disease or get shot. I have tried to research the best method but it is very difficult to get any sort of proof as you can't ask them how it went. Another subject I have looked into is how possible it is these days to disappear, not as straightforward as it used to be now that cash-in-hand work isn't what it once was and we all need bank accounts. The amount of times I have considered 'doing a Reggie Perrin' is frightening, it sometimes hits me while taking Jack for a walk that I could just draw my money out of the bank and head for the train station and get as far away from my life as possible. Is this considered more or less selfish than committing suicide? Suicide isn't actually selfish when you consider what a big decision it is, to literally bring your life to a halt. In my darker moments I hate myself and my life and could quite easily end it, this is what makes me a danger to myself at times especially as I don't take anti-depressants because I'm scared of addiction. On the other hand, I am of course happy as a pig in shit a lot of the time and it's hard to know at which stage I am the most annoying.
The Sunday Alternative #55 is available from here.
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September housekeeping
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