I have been reading with interest about a new law on domestic abuse that takes in to account controlling and coercive behaviour towards a partner, with persistent offenders potentially facing a five year prison term. This is great news for people suffering in a marital prison as long as it is enforced, because some people have no escape route. I was one of the lucky ones who managed to get out and rebuild my life. Yes, it is also worth mentioning that men can be the victims too, and this is often overlooked.
The worst thing about living your life entirely under someone else's jackboot is that you don't realise it is happening until it has happened and it is too late to do anything about it apart from dream of the day you can escape and breathe again. It happened very quickly with me and I hope that this new law helps to stop it happening to someone else. Before I knew where I was I had given up my job thanks to my wife's jealousy (I worked in a pub and had to talk to women, a big fucking no no) and somehow moved in with her withing a week or two of being together. This took away my escape route, whenever she started an argument or belittled me, chipping away at my confidence, I had nowhere to go. If I hadn't fallen for this and maintained my own place then I could have kept control of my own life and kept hold of my freedom, which of course is exactly what she had to take away.
We were only together for four years from meeting to my leaving, and my actual leaving was something that took a year of planning. My experience of marriage was as a prisoner, an unhappy shadow of my former self once my friends had been kept at arms length and I had no money of my own due to having to give up my job. The reason I was forced to quit was supposedly so we could move house from Southend to Yorkshire, but that turned out to be part of the plan too. If I was in Southend I could phone someone and find sanctuary so it was safer to take me away. I later found out that my wife had been in a few relationships where she had been beaten and abused, not that it excuses her behaviour towards me but she had a determination to find someone that she could turn the tables on. She wanted to be the bully rather than the bullied and I could have been anyone quite frankly, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and she approached me and strung out a load of bullshit about fancying me from afar for ages to reel me in.
Leaving the marital prison and moving in with my dad in Redcar was the first move towards my new life. I was a postman in York on a good wage but I had to give it up and ended up working in a call centre in Middlesbrough. This brought on a severe period of depression as I wasn't even earning a living wage any longer but I scraped through, planning all the way how I was going to rebuild my life and career, both of which had been on hold. It doesn't matter how overwhelmed with work I get, I am thankful that I am allowed to do my thing now. There's no way that any of the things I work on now such as gig promotion and making the music videos would be allowed if I was still trapped in that hellish situation. She would have belittled any plans I had and I would once again give up trying, knowing that she was going to do her best to fuck things up for me anyway.
Although I am now free I am still scarred, anyone who lives through an abusive relationship never really gets over it. There are still times when I imagine scenarios with such clarity as if they happened yesterday and wonder why, especially early on, I didn't handle it a specific way and see the warning signs. Control freaks are very careful though.
So while I am pleased that this law is now a reality and mental abuse is recognised, I hope that others find their escape, men and women because I know from experience what it is like. I didn't have it as badly as some, I wasn't physically beaten but I still have the wounds. Perhaps the person she is with now will see through her and leave, assuming she treats him like she treated me because people don't change that much do they? The only downside from my point of view is because this law hadn't come in while I was trapped with her, I can't have her done for historic offences against me. Not to worry, I have my freedom and that is something I once didn't dare imagine.
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