Writing letters is one of those bygone pleasures that we no longer really have to bother with as it is easier and cheaper to email or post on social media. It does make me wonder how we managed in the days of written communication because we didn't ever seem to be in such a hurry. This isn't a hackneyed observation and the remainder of this blog isn't going to be about Space Hoppers and Starburst being called Opal Fruits, I'm not Peter Kay. Nowadays I get annoyed if someone doesn't respond straight away to a text message and there is nothing more infuriating than seeing the three dots in a bubble for too long, especially if it disappears before the other person has even written anything. I am pretty sure that it isn't our fault as humans that we are more impatient these days, it is the fault of the people who invented the upgrades of items that we were perfectly happy with.

Something I have always been good at, though I say so myself, is writing a letter. My speciality has always been the letter of complaint. In fact I was thinking about offering it as a service as a writer. Donate £2 to my PayPal button above (it all goes towards making stuff for you enjoy for free) and email me with your grievance and I will reply with a letter of complaint that you can copy out in your own handwriting to send off.

Below is a genuine letter I have written and posted to Asda regarding their crisps. Of course I will post their reply on the blog if they bother to.

To whom it may concern

Aside from my various endeavours in the music business, I am also a food critic specialising in the area of crisps and maize snacks. It is in this capacity that I purchased from your Nottingham Hyson Green store a multi-pack from your cheap 'white label' range of crisps to cast my critical taste buds over. 

I write you with good news and bad news and as is the traditional way I will begin with the good. The crisps themselves are very nice, particularly the ready salted flavour. Satisfyingly crunchy and with minimum build up on the back teeth, a crisp hazard, they would suit any lunch box or picnic hamper. While the cheese & onion and salt & vinegar could be a tad more flavoursome, at least they don't have too strong an after taste, so the swings level with the roundabouts on that issue.

However, it is with a heavy heart that I must point out your failing. This fundamental error on your part has left me with the decision to never buy your products, or indeed step foot in your store again. Please take a look at the empty packets that I enclose. Can you see what has got my gander up? If you can't see the problem then I respectfully suggest that you are in the wrong job and should seek employment with Walkers Crisps. Perhaps the mention of the evil Walkers Crisps has enabled the penny to drop. Indeed, I can picture you at your desk as your terrible mistake dawns on you. Colours. The correct colour match for the bags (you can stop kicking yourself and throwing things around your office now, nobody is angry, we all make mistakes) is of course blue for salt & vinegar and green for cheese & onion. I would hate for anyone to lose their jobs over this, or for Asda to cease trading altogether throwing thousands of people into the dole queue, so we will be best keeping this blunder strictly low-key.

I trust that I will be hearing from you forthwith with the welcome good news that future bags of crisps will be correctly packaged.

Yours faithfully

Steve Oliver

The Sunday Alternative #48 is available from here.

===

July Housekeeping

Bags and T-Shirts are still available from here. All money goes in the fund. Feel free to browse the shop page while you're there.

If you donate £5 or more, you get to choose a song for me to cover on kazoo for a YouTube video, details here.

Seriously, I am grateful for the donations so if you haven't got round to it yet, I thank you in advance.

steveEoliver@gmail.com

@SteveOliver76