picture from Nottingham Post 

This year is almost over so I can safely compile this list of things that haven’t happened in 2014; being asked to judge the Future Sound of Nottingham competition, having a tram named after me, the Lord Mayor mentioning me saving Goose Fair in the opening ceremony, being inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame, being asked to deliver this year’s John Peel Lecture, and most hurtful of all, being asked to switch on the Christmas lights anywhere in Nottingham. Not even Bulwell, a place I regularly used to put on the cultural map thanks to it being the home of Trent Sound.

I’m joking of course; I never expected any of those things to happen in reality, but to show I’m not bitter we went to watch the Christmas lights being turned on in the Market Square. This was Mandi’s idea of course, as I didn’t want to have anything to do with it thanks to my newly discovered indifference towards the festive season. Mandi doesn’t seem to have registered that I couldn’t give a flying shit about Christmas, especially not in November, and as she turns into the female version of Buddy the Elf from July onwards, I just join in for the quiet life. I will do a spot of Christmas shopping over the weekend and not deliberately try to ruin Christmas Day by being grumpy, but my idea to go away for Christmas falls on deaf ears every time I mention it. I even Googled hotels that totally ignore the festivities (not for religious reasons but for the want to not join in) but I just get accused of being miserable. My dream of starting the day with a full English breakfast followed by a long walk with Jack before a long bath and the afternoon spent watching sitcom box sets or listening to music will remain exactly that, a dream.

It isn’t very often that I get a lucky break, but having arranged to meet Mandi and my dad after work I was relieved to see as I left court that it was pissing it down. I knew that this would cause a conflict between Mandi’s love of Christmas and her hatred of rain so I was interested to see how this would play out. Luck was on my side once again as we all decided to not bother with the Christmas lights and go for a drink instead. That’s twice in one day which means I should in theory have been knocked over and killed by a tram on the way home. Maybe I was, perhaps I am now a ghost and will continue my career from beyond the grave. Not a ghost obviously because there’s no such thing but perhaps I died on the way home as punishment for two good things happening to my otherwise cursed life and some invisible force made me walk in front of a tram to prevent it from happening again. I’m glad it happened after I’d had a nice drink in The Stage (it was quiet-ish, whoever decided to do the light switch on straight after work on a Friday needs a kick) unless it happened beforehand and nobody noticed, in which case there must be such a thing as ghosts because I am one.  Death is known as a good career move so I am looking forward to my audio books selling in their millions over the Christmas period.

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