There once was a time when you could go on a pub crawl without leaving your immediate neighbourhood, the pub being a hub of the community where everybody gathered. Before mobile phones you had to go looking for your friends in the pubs, if they weren’t in you had to look in another. If you really wanted o find someone without the hassle of walking around, (if it was raining for example) then you would ring the pub and ask if they were there. I’ll never forget how grown up I felt the first time my name was shouted from the bar to inform me of a phone call*, something that the mobile phone has taken away forever. The pub no longer seems to feature in our culture as it once did, little things like the entire workforce walking as one to the pub at lunchtime, and again when the final whistle went. It is a sign of how soft we have become when you think that machine operators used to have a pub lunch with no detriment to their work, but nowadays we don’t have dangerous jobs anymore (maybe a few) and most people sit at screens  yet aren’t allowed to drink at lunchtime. On the other hand you sweated it out in those days, not so easy in an air-conditioned office.

The reason I was drawn to writing about this was a sign I saw outside the Horse and Groom on Radford Road in Nottingham.

Radford Road is a very long road indeed and the fact that there is only one pub is a very sad fact as there used to be loads. From the Horse and Groom to the Gregory Boulevard split there are three noticeable empty pubs, seemingly abandoned; The Scotholme, The Cricket Players, and most scandalous of all, The Old General. I have written at length about what a punch in the throat to Nottingham’s history the closure of The Old General was, especially the death of the tradition of dressing the statue as Santa Claus at Christmas. A once proud landmark that welcomed you to Hyson Green, (once a quality shopping area, now a ramshackle assortment of pizza takeaways and shops that make Poundland look like Harrods), stands derelict, as does The Cricket Players. The Scotholme is now an Indian restaurant, quite a nice one but at the expense of a pub.

Nottingham’s way of life has changed somewhat over the years, especially in areas such as Hyson Green. The local pub no longer features in the lives of the people who live there. Hyson Green has a large population of families for whom the pub isn’t part of their culture (to highlight this fact with a heavy dose of irony, a nearby pub on Alfreton Road is now a mosque), because their religion doesn’t allow the consumption of alcohol. A person’s religious belief is their business and I’m not here to criticise someone for having faith, but the last time I checked pubs sold soft drinks, they even sell tea and coffee these days, who would have predicted that? For this reason there is no excuse to not ‘join in’ with the local community. If entire neighbourhoods met up at the pub then certain barriers would be broken down between cultures.

We need pubs back, we need people to use them, and we need to allow smoking. Did The Moon Under Water really exist? I’d like to think so, it sounds like my kind of pub.

*As I alluded to, the mobile phone has ruined this and therefore people my age will be the last generation to appreciate the feeling it gave you. It was a bigger deal than being served alcohol in the first place. You felt like a man, more so than your first date. More so than your first sexual encounter. More so than moving out of the family home. More so than holding your newborn baby in your arms. Walking to the bar to take a phone call was akin to growing a beard right there and then, and on your way back to your seat you developed a strut, as if to say to the world “fuck yeah, just took a phone call”. This was your validation as a regular and it cannot be replicated with a text message asking where you are.

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Smoker’s Rights And Wrongs

Does anyone remember how we laughed at the funny Americans when we found out they weren't allowed to smoke in bars? It'll never happen to us will it? Well of course it was bound to one day. Just as every other crackpot idea finds it's way across the Atlantic (confessional television, Starbucks, saying '24/7', baseball caps, lawsuits) sure enough we get a smoking ban. It took a few years, but we got it. The trouble is, we accepted it. We knew it was coming eventually, we'd sit in the pub with a blue haze wafting majestically over our table, and go on about what a terrible infringement of our liberty this would be. We'd mention the weather, (a staple of most conversations with strangers), and say what an all round pisser it would be to go stand outside in the rain to have a cigarette.

But it started to creep up on us. Offices suddenly had groups of shivering huddles forming outside, cafes, burger places, (I don't eat 'plastic' food as a rule, but Burger King had the edge given the choice when McDonald's banned smoking years ago!) The seeds were sown a long time ago, I'm old enough to remember smoking on buses, upstairs on a double decker bus, windows open, not upsetting anybody downstairs with their healthy pink lungs. But that went. As did segregated areas of the cinema, the theatre, the workplace. Even if you OWN the building, you cannot allow your employees to smoke, even if you are cool with it. Even if you are a smoker yourself. What has that got to do with freedom? What the fuck has that got to do with ANYBODY ELSE? If you don't want to work in an environment of smoke, don't work in a pub, or club where smoking is allowed. Common sense. Never a strong point of a council.

COMMON SENSE POLICY

I'm not suggesting we show any disrespect to non-smokers here, I've nothing against non-smokers. Some of my best friends are non-smokers and I respect their right not to smoke as much as I would hope they respect MY right, (and I'm always right!) to smoke.

Have you ever walked past an old pub that still has the old frosted windows? Have a look at them frosted windows next time. You'll see etched signs that say 'Public Bar', and more importantly 'Smoke Room'. That's how they did it in the olden days. Had a separate room. That makes more sense, and every body's a winner. The pubs still have trade, and nobody crows about smoke getting in their personal space. It's what was going .. the ban to an extent, there were signs outside telling you the policy on smoking. But now there's just a blanket ban that discriminates against people who pay billions of pounds to the Treasury every year.

It's getting out of hand though. At railway stations you cannot smoke on a platform. Fair enough waiting rooms, and the trains themselves, but an open air platform? Who can you offend smoking outdoors? Nobody got their knickers in a twist when you could smoke on the train, in a separate carriage, but they banned that too. The last company to stop smoking, (to my knowledge) was GNER, and if anything is going to make you want to smoke it's travelling with GNER, bearing in mind you don't know how long you'll be on the train. A journey from London to York for example can take anything up to a year with delays and breakdowns.

SMOKERS REBELLION

What pisses me off more than anything though, is the fact that we as a country just rolled over and accepted it. Yes we had a good night out the night before the ban took place, and enjoyed one last night of liberty. But the next day we just carried on as if we'd always been forced outside. That's what's wrong with the world today! If Hitler had told our grandparents not to smoke they'd have told him to fuck right off. My 100 a day grandfather would be appalled at the fact that the government passed this unfair law, if he was still with us, (and before you say it...he didn't die of smoking related illness). But even in pubs in Hyson Green near me, smokers go outside. If you go in The Old General, or The Cricket Players, you'll meet people from the school of "Did you spill my pint?" "Are you looking at my bird?", they'll sell you anything you want, but GO OUTSIDE TO SMOKE. Why didn't we all say bollocks to it on July 1st? They can't fine everybody.

Live music venues were the ones who should have led the way. It ruins a gig to have to go outside in between the support act and the headline. It's a big enough arse ache trying to get a drink in that time, if every live music venue had refused to play, what could they do? Make every gig ticket only. Then, when the council smoke Nazis come snooping, refuse entry with no ticket. It's not fucking rocket science is it? The same goes for private members clubs, not a member? Go away! I'm sure every publican would agree that the smoking ban has hurt. It was a sneaky trick to introduce it in the summer when we were happy to sit outside, but sooner or later, unrest will develop. If the smoking ban had been introduced in November for example, then I believe we would have ignored it.

A Fine Fund

I had the idea to introduce some kind of nationwide 'charity' kitty that smokers pay into. Like a membership fee, where people just smoke as usual wherever the hell they like. IF, and it's only if, there's a raid, the fine of £2500 for the venue owner is paid along with the £50 for each smoker caught. Although common sense will dictate that cigarettes will be put out, thus no proof. What will they do then, smell the breath of everyone in the place?

NATIONWIDE 'SMOKE-IN' PROTEST

It would work if EVERYONE took part. Pick one, well advertised day, (a Sunday would be best as less people work, and more people are in the pub), to organise a NATIONWIDE smoke indoors protest. At, say 1pm, everyone makes sure they're in a pub and lights up. We could hand fliers to all the people you see smoking outside pubs and advertise well in advance. We could even tip off the council, and see how OUR money is used to bring out an army of goons in high viz jackets to stop us. The pubs/venues themselves aren't going to stop you from doing this because it will benefit them in the long run.

COUNCIL TAX

Another idea would be to boycott paying Council Tax until the ban is reversed. This of course would only work IF EVERYONE HAD THE BALLS to do it. It's no good smokers moaning about this if we don't all stick together.