The last thing I wanted was for
my carefully mapped out work plan to fall into chaos, which is exactly what
happened yesterday. Looking at the weather I decided against the Splendour
festival, preferring instead to concentrate on finishing (or at least making
some headway on) the Whatever Happened To
Nathan McKenzie audio book. Instead I added some weight to my theory about
being cursed as the heavy rain caused my office ceiling to leak. I therefore
spent most of the day moving my desk and filing system into the loft room,
meaning that my work will for the foreseeable future at least, be conducted in
my daughter’s bedroom on the third floor of the house. As if I wasn’t depressed
enough at wasting a day of work, I now have a constant reminder of happier times
with my little girl.
I’ve never made any secret of
living with depression and suicidal thoughts, and today things erupted once
again. Mandi has suggested that I see the doctor about it, but my doctors are
rubbish so it will be a wasted journey. Perhaps I should see a therapist, after
all it would be an excuse to talk about myself at great length so maybe the
therapist would agree to have it recorded for a podcast series called Steve’s Therapy Sessions or something,
I’m always thinking of an angle and never switching off from work mode, which
is a large part of my problem. I later apologised for upsetting Mandi, but not
for what I said because I do mean it when I’m down; I really hate myself and my
life and I do genuinely believe I’d be better off dead. This is why I don’t
fear death, because I know that when I do die it will have been my decision.
This was all triggered by my work being delayed.
Today was a better day in which I
decided not to bother doing any work, it is Sunday after all and I don’t get double
time for it. My day started remarkably early by waking up at ten o’clock and
taking Jack to the park to play fetch. We spent about half an hour there before
it was time for Jack’s weekly bath, it was Mandi’s turn which I was glad about
as it gave me chance to just sit and relax before lunch at my dad’s. After a
really nice roast dinner we walked Jack home and had a lazy afternoon. Just
before teatime I took Jack over the park again and settled with our tea with a
few more episodes of Frasier followed
by brand new Family Guy.
Although I am due to start a
writing project tomorrow, I am confident that I should fit in that and the
audio book recording. This is assuming that nothing goes wrong!
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