Today was spent in something
of a bad mood thanks to our Internet problem that hadn’t got better overnight.
Even though I try to avoid working at the weekend, I had hoped to have been
able to do some catching up today, even if only to deal with my emails. It wasn’t to be, and as a result I was feeling
pissed off at the world all day. I hate not being able to work, especially as
little setbacks like this tend to get blown out of all proportion and I start
to question everything. Most of my work has some need for the Internet,
podcasts for example and the eventual release of the films and stuff will all
be released for free (the donate button above, thanks in advance), so not
having an Internet connection is an inconvenience. It is to my job what a
paintbrush is to a painter, without it no work is going to get done.
It is at times like this when
I begin to question everything about my career and ask myself if it is worth
it. Are all these setbacks a sign, or is it just that I read too much into the
situation? While one area of my job seems to be going well, radio has been my
one success to date, other areas are suffering. When I look at the ideas I
have, and the fact that some of them are several years old, it gets me down as
I begin to wonder if they’ll ever get off the ground. If they aren’t going to
be allowed to happen, how will I know if they were any good? Even if I say so
myself I am a talented writer and a lot of the setbacks in my life haven’t been
my fault entirely. I lost four years of my life to marital prison and have been
playing catch up ever since, but I still keep hitting these obstacles. When I
was at Sherwood Radio, one of the bosses told me that he owned a video
production company specializing in educational DVDs for schools. I mentioned
some of my ideas to him and he said he would help me with his ‘company’. During
the course of the conversations this was demoted to lending me a camera, then
finally the news that the camera had broken. That was the
camera, a production company with one broken camera. I am glad to have found
someone who can help me at last with this side of my work, but I want to focus
on The Sunday Alternative and Saturday Breakfast first of all and that might be to the
detriment of my films. The fact that my 2014 to-do list has pretty much had the
same stuff on it since 2012 kills me a little bit more each year.
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