Having only just got around to
reading the Christmas TV guide today, I have to say that it isn’t great. Maybe
Christmas is falling out of favour or fashion, or maybe the television
companies just can’t be arsed anymore. The other possibility is that we look
back at the so-called ‘golden age’ of Christmas television to our childhood,
when everything about the Christmas holiday was magical. It could of course be
the way we watch television nowadays has had an impact; ‘appointment television’
will soon be a thing of the past, it almost already is due to the different
ways in which we watch these days. Before video you had to watch a programme or
miss it, maybe you would never see it again. When video came along it freed up
our time, as you could go out without missing a programme. Today you can watch
last night’s Eastenders on the bus to work on
your phone the next morning, but if you do that then please wear earphones and
keep a reasonable volume, I am fed up of telling people to turn it down/off on
the bus. The last big television event was the Doctor Who
episode last month, which I watched the next day as I had a gig on the Saturday
night.
I haven’t done this blog for a
few years, but I have been through the Christmas schedules so you don’t have
to, and along the way will be pointing out where they have gone wrong. As
always I will only be covering the five terrestrial channels with a cursory glance at the others, yes I said five; it is at this time of year that we
remember that there is a Channel Five still plodding along. They would save
money if they only broadcast in December in all fairness, as they do pretty
well on the Christmas front.
We recently had Sky put in,
after finally giving up on Virgin Media’s appalling impression of a service.
What puzzles me is that in the age of multi-channel television, (is it called ‘satellite telly’ or ‘cable’ these days?), I still look at what is on BBC1, BBC2, and
Channel Four (I rarely watch ITV) before resorting to cable if there’s nothing
on the ‘real telly’. Is that just me?
Saturday 21st
December
The first proper day of the
holidays as everyone knocked off early yesterday and spent the afternoon in the
pub. The channel that we thought no longer existed, Channel Five, is the winner
today with Mrs Miracle 2: Miracle In Manhatten, Secret Santa,
and the 1999 Patrick Stewart version of A Christmas Carol.
Channel Four are runners up with Deck The Halls
and Four Christmases (shite), and BBC1 fail
miserably with only Nigel Slater’s Christmas
Suppers at 11.30am. 12 Dates Of Christmas, which has ‘made for
television’ written all over it, is on at 1pm on BBC2. BBC2 are showing a
repeat of Are You Being Served in the afternoon
(you won’t understand this reference if you don’t live in Nottingham) which
gives everyone in Nottingham the chance to shout “WHERE’S THE TREE?” when John
Inman appears on screen. If comedy is your thing, there’s the Christmas
specials of ‘Allo ‘Allo (not strictly speaking
a comedy) and Dad’s Army and two programmes
devoted to Ronnie Barker.
Sunday 22nd
December
BBC2 do alright out of today
with a couple of Christmas themed cookery shows in the morning, (not Nigella
though so don’t bother). The Porridge
Christmas episode with the escape tunnel is folled by Top Of The
Pops 2, The Choir Christmas Final, The Sarah Millican Television Programme
and a festive version of Hebburn (me
neither).
Every household has a sizeable
collection of Christmas DVDs that are stored away with the decorations and
forgotten about every January 6th. The collections are pretty much
the same in every house save for a few variations. Nativity
(BBC2 3.25pm) and Scrooged (Channel Four 4.30pm)
are two such films, therefore they don’t really need to be on television as we
can sit around and watch them at leasure. In the case of Channel Four we can
watch the DVD without the adverts.
Channel Four have dropped a
serious bollock! I know it doesn’t really matter because we all have it on DVD,
but I am complaining on principle. On the 22nd, Channel Four are
screening The Snowman! I hope enough people
complain about this crass mistake, as we all know that The Snowman
is a Christmas Eve watch.
Once again Channel Five win
the day, pulling out the stops to compensate for the lack of viewers during the
year. Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish and Hats Off To Christmas are followed by It’s A Very
Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (in the DVD collection) and The Muppets And Lady Gaga At Christmas, and the festive
offerings are rounded off with The Family Man.
Monday 23rd
December
BBC1 seem to have finally hit
on the right formula today, mixing family entertainment with Christmas viewing.
The Snow Queen, Donkey’s Carolling Christmas-tacular
and the film Ella Enchanted start the day. Not
only are they showing two Christmas films that every house has in the
collection; The Santa Claus and A Christmas
Carol (2009, Jim Carrey), but they are bookended by Toy Story. BBC2
have the morning cookery stuff, which I am not mentioning again as I assume
they’re on every day, and the 1977 Christmas episode of The Good
Life. Nobody has told ITV that it is Christmas, and Channel Four has
another pointless screening of a film from the DVD collection; White Christmas. Channel Five have the brilliant Christmas With The Kranks, which we all own on DVD, but they
also have Harvey at lunchtime (worth watching to
wait until the end to see which version they show – rabbit or no rabbit?*)
followed by Oklahoma!
*When they made the film Harvey in 1950, they deliberately shot two endings. In the
most commonly screened version, James Stewart is seen walking away by himself.
That is to say he had his imaginary rabbit friend with him but the viewer only
saw James Stewart. There is another version that has the rabbit walking
alongside him. It’s obviously someone in a costume, but it gives you a shock
every time as you don’t expect it. This isn’t even an option with DVD extras,
it was supposed to be Hollywood’s secret.
Christmas Eve
Following on from screening The Santa Clause yesterday, BBC1 are showing The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause today. Maybe they didn’t
like the second one? Film-wise, it is family entertainment rather than
Christmas on BBC1 today with The Lion, The Witch And
The Wardrobe, Toy Story 2, the now annual showing of Shrek The Halls and Finding Nemo.
There’s a brand new Not Going Out
Christmas episode followed by last year’s Christmas Outnumbered,
in which we see that the children have grown too old to be cute and funny
anymore. BBC2 please the lovers of musicals with An American
In Paris and Guys And Dolls,
and there’s also Fantasia. BBC2 show some
obligatory Morecambe And Wise*, and Victoria Wood’s 2009 special. Thankfully
there’s a brand new festive QI and tributes to Mel Smith to finish off the
night.
*Of course Morcambe and Wise
are legends, (although The Two Ronnies were better) and I am aware that their
Christmas Day shows were the most watched shows in the history of Christmas
telly (citation needed, but I can’t be bothered), but the shows look a touch
dated now and maybe it’s time for the BBC to realise that they don’t have to show them every year.
Fun fact: Eric Morecambe
refused to reference Christmas in the show; no Santa, no snow, no tree, no tinsel.
When asked why he said it was so they would get a summer repeat. In later
shows, Christmas actually gets mentioned but the later ones weren’t good enough
for repeats anyway.
Channel Four are wasting
broadcast hours with two films from the DVD collection; It’s A
Wonderful Life and The Grinch (Jim
Carrey remake) and later they show that awful sequal to The Snowman,
in the timeslot that The Snowman
should be in. A Christmas Carol (1951, Alistair
Simm) is on Five and to help the night roll away nicely there’s Greatest Ever Christmas Movies.
Christmas Day
Is The Queen doing a longer
message this year? The BBC have made a slight fuck up by scheduling the
afternoon film for twenty past three instead of the traditional ten past.
The premiere of BBC1’s
Christmas Day afternoon film isn’t quite as exciting as it used to be due to
the availability of the film prior to the 25th. The trouble is that
films are released on DVD far too soon after the cinema release, and of course
there’s the SKY Movies problem. I remember the Christmas Day that ET was on in the ten past three slot, and the anticipation
was immense because this was 1990 and the film hadn’t yet been released on
video despite being at the cinema in 1982. While SKY have the whiphand over
films and DVD releases are happening before you’ve left the cinema, the
Christmas Day offering from BBC1 will have lost its shine a little. Anyway,
today after The Queen the film is Toy Story 3.
The BBC1 seem to have learned to put Doctor Who in a
more suitable timeslot this year, with it starting at 7.30. In past years it
has been on too early and possibly interrupted the parlour games. BBC2 have
chucked a combination of Morecambe and Wise, The Two
Ronnies and Doctor Who at
the wall, and Charles Dickens gets two interpretations of his work aired in the
form of Scrooge (1970, Albert Finney) and The Muppet Christmas Carol.
Boxing Day
If you like musicals you’re in
for a treat with Channel Five (I know) showing High
Society, Meet Me In St Louis, and The Wizard
Of Oz. This is followed by Michael Buble’s Christmas
Special (it is acceptable to like Buble when he’s doing Christmas
songs – can you imagine opening your presents to any other CD?). Britain’s Favourite Christmas Songs is on later on but
before that it is the highlight of the festive television calendar. World’s Strongest Man starts today. I won’t be watching it
as I never have, but I would be cross if it wasn’t.
The big risk today is Still Open All Hours, in which David Jason reprises his role
of G-G-G-Granville. Throughout his whole career Jason has never put a foot
wrong so I don’t want him to get a slating for this. As it’s written by Roy
Clarke I accept that it is in safe hands, but Going
Straight and Grace And Favour
should act as a cautionary tale.
I’m leaving it at Boxing Day
simply because what follows is either Christmas specials repeated from earlier
in the week, Christmas specials from years ago, and films that have little to
do with Christmas. While the kids are off school it makes sense to have family
films on, but beyond Boxing Day there is very little mention of Christmas.
Christmas ends on January 6th, which is when Christmas television
should end.
To really annoy us, BBC1 are
showing Mary Poppins on the 30th. If
anyone from the BBC would like to explain why a New Year’s Day film is being
shown two days early then I’m all ears.
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