The organisers of the Olympics should go on a fact finding mission around several school sports days. What we want to see, aside from all the running events, is a complete overhaul of the events. Keep the running races, the high jump, hurdles, and the hop skip and jump. You can even keep the pole vault, javelin, and discuss. But they need to introduce the egg and spoon race, sack race, three legged race, (which logic dictates should really be called the four legged race), that race where you collect bean bags and put them in a basket, and the slow bike race. This would be a far more entertaining spectacle than curling and all the activities that shouldn't even be there. They should also have a mum's race and a dad's race, which the parents of everyone taking part in the Olympics has to enter.

Catering would have to be themed too, with nothing besides a few homemade sandwiches available on a trestle table, to drink you can have a small plastic cup of orange squash.

And if any of the competitors forget their kit, they have to do it wearing their underwear.