A conversation between myself (in bold) and a member of Twat Squad, (the elite group of jobsworth morons who check you’ve paid your fare on the tram.

You can’t do that here you know sir.

Can’t do what?

You’re not allowed to smoke at the tram stop any more, have you noticed the sign?

I hadn’t noticed no, but we are outside and as such you can’t really enforce it.

We can enforce it, I’m telling you not to smoke here.

Telling me or asking me?

Telling you.

If you’d said ‘asking me’ rather than ‘telling me’ I might, might have given your request the time of day.

It says on the sign that it is illegal to smoke at a tram stop.

Illegal?

Yes.

Illegal?

Yes.

Like, against the law, here come the police, you are under arrest kind of illegal?

Yes.

Bollocks. When did the government sit in Parliament and discuss the tram network in Nottingham?

You what?

If it wasn’t passed in Parliament, then it isn’t a proper law is it? You can’t go around making your own laws otherwise where would we be?

All I’m saying is…

If that was the case I’d make it illegal to put sugar in tea (not coffee though, you need sugar in coffee), and illegal for men to use tomato ketchup (men use brown, women use ketchup), or I’d make a law saying that if someone plays their music too loud on public transport you’re allowed to punch them with no retaliation.

(Raises eyebrows)

You’re with me on the music one aren’t you?

Look mate, I could fine you for smoking here.

Where on your sign does it say that?

It’s a fifty pound fine.

Again, where does it say that? There’s no mention of it on your sign.

Well, erm…

You can’t fine me for smoking, no law has been passed. At the very best, smoking on the tram platform is frowned upon.

Tram arrives; I get on leaving him scratching his head. The best part is that I had finished my cigarette and disposed of it in the ashtray almost near the beginning of this conversation, I was just feeling in that kind of mood this morning.

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