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Monday, 4 November 2013

Monday 4th November

A few days ago I tweeted this:
Today I received this:

Either
1 They don’t realise that I am taking the piss out of BBC3’s output of shit programmes for idiots.
2 They realised that I was taking the piss and decided to play along.
3 I can’t think of a third reason, but I am going to assume that it involves piss and the taking of it.

A few nights ago we ran out of milk and so I had to make the trip to the 24 hour garage for some of their special milk that costs three times as much as normal milk from regular shops. Jack was getting a bit restless so I took him with me. Once I had milk I took Jack the long way round back to our house to try and tire him out, (which didn’t work, if I walked him around the world he would still want to play fetch) and have now decided to do this every night at around midnight. You rarely see the streets so quiet and walking the dog at midnight is great for thinking time. I’m definitely going to make this night walk a regular thing as a head-clearer and might start taking Jack a longer route so I can untangle writer’s block.

Humans should really be quite envious of domestic pets and the life that they lead. I’ve never seen our two cats worrying about where their next meal is coming from, or having to cut corners to pay the electric bill. They eat three meals a day, a constant supply of water and a bowl of milk a day. In between meals they have a choice of three sofas or two beds to sleep on, and if they’re feeling affectionate then they know that they can climb on our knees and be fussed over. All Jack seems to want out of life is a couple of bowls of Baker’s Complete, the sofa and blanket, three walks a day and a play with his ball. When you take his lead off the coat hook he goes into such a frenzy of excitement at the prospect of going out that I tried to think of something that would mean the same in human terms, I couldn’t think of anything that excites me to that degree; not even boobs are enough to have me at that level of frenzy.

One of the things that I was looking forward to was discovering a dead body. It is always the man walking a dog late at night that makes this discovery, and we’ve been out for two nights in a row now and haven’t found one. We haven’t even found someone lay wounded in the street, we haven’t found so much as someone with a cold that might turn out to be a tropical disease. I am beginning to wonder if the observational comedians are talking out of their arses when they do this bit. Or, it’s the dog walkers themselves who the killers are providing themselves with the perfect alibi.

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