I am only commenting on the five terrestrial channels*.
*Yes, FIVE terrestrial channels. I always forget too. Funnily enough, last Christmas was the last time I saw anything on Channel Five as they do broadcast some reasonable stuff. Maybe it's like Christmas 24 and only broadcasts for a limited amount of time.
Saturday 22nd
BBC1 haven't bothered one little bit, but BBC2 have done really well on the first day of the holiday proper with family films Spy Kids 3: Game Over, (I didn't know there was a 1 and 2, or is it like Apollo 13 when you don't have to have seen the first twelve?), Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and The Game Plan. In between the films there is Nigella doing something festive and borderline pornographic, and afterwards there's The Toys That Made Christmas, Porridge, (the one where they make their own bootleg booze), Top Of The Pops 2, and the Christmas edition of Never Mind The Buzzcocks. BBC2 round off an extremely festive day with both parts of The Mystery Of Edwin Drood, based on Charles Dickens' unfinished novel. Not Christmassy, but why not show something that isn't A Christmas Carol from the pen (or indeed feathered quill) of the man who invented Christmas? ITV have The Nation's Favourite Christmas Song and The Jonathon Ross Show Christmas Special, and Channel Four have five episodes of Come Dine With Me: Celebrity Christmas Special, George Clarke's Amazing Spaces At Christmas, and two films that everyone has on DVD.
Channel Five have excelled themselves for a channel that nobody even knew was still in operation, with four films that aren't in our household collection of Christmas films. There are two versions of A Christmas Carol on today, sadly they are both in the collection of DVDs you brought out with the decorations; Kelsey Grammer's 2004 musical and Patrick Stewart's 1999 outing. Tommy Cooper's Christmas will obviously be worth a look, and it is followed by The Plank (the 1967 version) which if you haven't seen, here is your chance.
Sunday 23rd December
Sunday tends to be more of a radio day than a telly one, and looking at the listings for today shows you why. BBC1 are showing repeats of Only Fools And Horses and 'Allo 'Allo, (the show about World War Two that actually went on for longer than the war, but caused just as much trauma), alongside Cool Runnings as the afternoon film. The only thing of any real interest is Mr Stink, based on the children's books written by David Walliams. It's even in the proper slot for a Sunday teatime family comedy/drama, which they haven't done for years. From half past six, BBC2 have the 1973 Morecambe and Wise Christmas Show*, the Victoria Wood show from 2000, and a run of new programmes with a Christmas tinge; Dragon's Den Christmas Special, James May's Toy Stories: Flight Club, and The Sarah Millican Television Programme Christmas Special.
ITV have Ade's Christmas Crackers, in which Adrian Edmondson continues his journey into mainstream respectability with a light-hearted look at the past sixty years of festive telly. Channel Four's contribution to Christmas is to play something that the entire nation will watch on DVD tomorrow (Christmas Eve), The Snowman. Why they decided to show it on the wrong day is beyond me, and I expect beyond everyone in the country. Channel Five have six films in a row, although It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie and Christmas With The Kranks are on the DVD collection.
Christmas Eve
Now we enter the weird period where the days no longer go by their usual names, it isn't Monday today it is Christmas Eve.
Across the channels, there are nine films on that are in our Christmas DVD collection. Pointless. I'm sure that Charles Dickens would be heartened to see how popular A Christmas Carol has remained, and that there are three versions of it on telly today. Unfortunately, Dickens would probably wonder why the television channels were showing three versions that are in the household DVD collection; A Christmas Carol, (2009- Jim Carrey), Scrooge-A Christmas Carol, (1951- Alistair Sim), and best of all, The Muppets Christmas Carol (1992).
BBC2 are having a night dedicated to Ronnie Barker, and BBC1 have festive editions of Outnumbered and Mrs Brown's Boys.
Watch The Snowman on DVD at teatime, in time to watch The Snowman and the Snowdog, which is of course THE highlight of the Christmas telly schedule.
Christmas Day
Charles Dickens get a double helping of parody today, with Scrooged on Channel Four (another pointless TV outing for a DVD staple), and Blackadder's Christmas Carol on BBC2. BBC1 still haven't learned that Doctor Who shouldn't be on so early, so they are once again showing it during the parlour games period of the day. BBC1's other big highlight is The Royale Family Christmas Special.
Boxing Day
We'll probably still be at the restaurant for Boxing Day lunch when it's on, but An American In Paris is on BBC2 at twenty to three.
The Christmas edition of a series used to be the finale, but tonight sees two Christmas shows that actually start the series. Mrs Brown's Boys has a second festive outing, and Miranda begins a six part run with a Christmas special.
Thursday 27th
We will wake up this morning not knowing what day it is, so it's a shame that there is very little in the way of Christmas television today. Donkey's Carolling Christmas Challenge, a one-off short starring the donkey from Shrek, sounds like the worst possible bit of barrel scraping, but Panto on ITV looks promising.
An essential part of the festive television schedule is of course The World's Strongest Man, which starts today. I've never watched it, but I would be devastated if it wasn't on. The only problem is of course that John Inverdale is not on presenter duty.
Charles Dickens gets another reworking on Channel Five with a 2012 made-for-television film called It's Christmas, Carol, (see what they did there?). A hard-hearted publishing executive is visited by the ghost of her former boss on Christmas Eve according to the blurb. The sad thing is, I will have to watch it.
Friday 28th
There's barely a mention of Christmas today on BBC1 and BBC2, with ITV's only nod to the festivities being The Corrie Years, a compilation of Coronation Street's Christmas happenings, and Gremlins. Gremlins does count as a Christmas film. I don't know if it'll be especially festive, but All New It'll Be Alright On The Night is a part of the holiday. Channel Four have My Big Fat Gypsy Christmas as their only festive offering, and another holiday type show in The 50 Funniest Moments of 2012.
The prize for Christmas showings goes to Channel Five, (if you skipped the beginning of this blog, then you'll be shocked about the fact that Channel Five is still going), with a three in a row run of Christmas films; Mrs Miracle 2: Miracle in Manhattan, A Carol Christmas*, and Santa Jnr.
*Yet another reworking of A Christmas Carol, this time starring Tori Spelling as a television host who is visited by three ghosts and given a chance to become a better person.
Saturday 29th
BBC1 are remembering the Olympics all day, with A Question Of Sport: Christmas Holiday Special and a one-off revival of Superstars to follow. The only Christmas thing with no sport is both parts of Mrs Brown's Boys. For family entertainment, BBC2 have Flight Of The Navigator and Flubber at lunchtime, and a chance to educate the youngsters about old comedy at teatime with programmes about John Le Mesurier and Clive Dunn before the film version of Dad's Army. Nostalgia buffs will enjoy 30 Years of CITV on ITV (ironically, seeing as ITV killed the CITV strand in favour of daytime mulch) at half six. Channel Five are making the most of actually being some use during the holidays with It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, (which is already in the household DVD collection), Grounded, and Richie Rich's Christmas Wish, (he wishes he'd never been born, which only has one outcome in a Christmas film).
Sunday 30th
Aside from repeats of things that have already been on recently, all five channels have taken the decorations down early. For family entertainment, BBC1 have the brilliant Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and fans of musicals have Seven Brides For Seven Brothers on Channel Five.
New Year's Eve
A decent run of family films, and some round up of the year shows. Of course Jools Annual Hootenanny 2012 is on, although it's never quite as good as you imagine it is going to be.
New Year's Day
It wouldn't be New Year's Day without Mary Poppins would it? There's no mention of Christmas, but family films in the shape of Hotel For Dogs, The Princess and the Frog, and of course The Wizard of Oz. Comedy fans might be interested in Frankie Howerd: The Lost Tapes, and it's the final part of World's Strongest Man 2012.
Wednesday 2nd
Some series highlight compilations, and Doctor Dolittle (the original and best version starring Rex Harrison), but other than that, it is as if Christmas is over.
Thursday 3rd/Friday 4th
Absolute shit, apart from a showing of Jason and the Argonauts. I've never seen it but I'd be upset if it didn't end up in the Christmas television guide, although memory dictates that it should be a Boxing Day film.
Conclusion
I'm sure I've covered some of this ground before, but Christmas television used to be something that we all got very excited about. I remember the day in childhood that the Radio Times and TV Times came into the house, and we all planned our viewing. Maybe a lot of it is nostalgia for childhood, as family films are in abundance, but I'm sure the quality of festive telly was higher than this. We need a back-to-basics approach to Christmas telly, which first of all means an end to the huge amount of cookery shows, clip shows, and simply adding the word 'Christmas' to documentary shows.
Televised pantomimes, variety shows, films that we don't all own on DVD, are all needed. Comedians and entertainers should be given as much money as they need to produce their own special shows, to replace Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies, Mike Yarwood, and all the others who worked all year honing a perfect show. Christmas Night With The Stars should also be brought back.
The BBC should look at old editions of the Christmas Day Top Of The Pops to see how it was done. Fearne Cotton and Reggie Yates are children's television, not music television, and don't have the personality required to carry off Top Of The Pops. The DJs of old knew how it should be done, so why not get them to do it? The ones that aren't helping the police with their enquiries of course.
Finally, television executives should be aware that Christmas ends on January 6th, and carry Christmas television programmes until then. By that, I don't just mean playing something twice during the holiday.
They could put me in charge!
