I hate going to the cinema and only went last night because I really wanted to see Muppets Most Wanted as soon as was possible. There was a showing at ten o’clock last night but Mandi didn’t want to go that late, and I didn’t want to go too early due to the cinema being full of annoying children. It isn’t just children at the cinema that piss me off, adults can be the biggest arseholes when it comes to the cinema experience, and the biggest crime of all is talking during the film. I would vote for whichever political candidate that promised that they would pass a law allowing us to kill these offenders and leave their still warm bodies in their seats as an example to others.

To my surprise, the film wasn’t in Cineworld’s biggest room, and there were still a fair amount of empty seats. This to me is perfect for a night at the cinema as there are fewer people to piss me off and take away from my enjoyment of the film. We sat at the back of the cinema on the seats at the very top of the stairs, meaning that we wouldn’t be inconvenienced by another person I hold under the ‘cinema cunt’ umbrella, the really tall person who finds the shortest person in the room to sit in front of.

Along the back row there was a group of teenage girls who kept walking right past us and leaving the cinema, this was just about tolerable during the interval but they carried on this behavior during the film. They only stopped when on the way out during one of their frequent trips I snapped and said “either you’re watching the film or you’re not watching the film”, and when they came back in I told them that this was the last time. I was careful not to swear as there was a mother with a child on the same row, even though the child was also annoying me until I delivered a stern ‘shush’ across the row. Don’t take small children to the cinema if you can’t teach them to behave. This rule also applies to restaurants, cafes, libraries, and swimming baths, everywhere public really. You used to have to have a licence to own a dog yet anybody with a vagina can have a baby, regardless of their capability when it comes to looking after the fucking thing.

After the film was over I found a member of staff and made a complaint about the fact that these future burdens on society were given free rein to walk in and out of the film and get on my tits. I pointed out that in the olden days there was a cinema usher who was there to keep order, keeping everyone behaving themselves and shutting up the chatterers. As you can see from the above picture, my complaint was taken seriously enough to earn us a complimentary ticket each for a future film. While this might be chalked up as a victory for decent people, this means that they are essentially paying for us to have the same horrific experience again.

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